Chapter 113 - Some Blonde Gave Me Nightmare's

Monica feels in her heart of hearts that Jon was faithful to her, when she was in her lowest of lows, as she fought for her life. 

 But she can't shake the what if feeling that she feels.  She knows Jon as being a man of loyalty and dedication, but she can't help but wonder if his grief was too much to for him to handle, on his own.  She couldn't help him with any of it.  He was alone, at her side and after the families and the friends left, he was truly alone.  Her thoughts keep going back to that, that she wasn't able to pull him through the toughest time in his life.  She wasn't there when he was down.  So, in her mind - while it may not be plausible that he cheated with her nurse, but it is possible.

As she sits on their bed, writing her thoughts on paper she reaches over and grabs Jon's pillow.  As she brings it to her face, she inhales his scent deep into her lungs and holds it.  With his pillow close to heart, she can feel her heat beat race and she starts to cry.  Having her face buried deep in his pillow helps her a little bit, but reality starts to set in.  She feels an anxiety when she thinks about raising their baby alone.  She can't love and be with a man that cheated on her as she laid catatonic in a hospital bed.  If he can do that, is there no where that he will stop?  Is there a line that he won't cross?  Her tears flow and with each tear that falls onto his pillow, it gets a little harder for her to breath.  Her breaking heart was coming out in her tears and she can't stop them.

After a while she composes herself, wiping her tears away with her fingers.  When she's able to breathe and can calm down, she picks up the pen and adds to her writing.  Her heartbreak moves the pen, putting into words the way that she feels, words that she can't form verbally - she figures that they are best put on paper.  With Jon's pillow on her lap, she lets the feelings fill the pages in a way that she has never expressed herself before.

Several pages into it, she loses all track of time.  When she finally wonders what time it is, she looks over at the bedside table, on Jon's side and sees that it's 2:am.  She then looks around the room and it seems weird to her.  This is the first time that she has been in her house alone in many months.  Jon moved in before they were married and she gave him half of her home.  He made her house a home.  

She is overcome with the inevitable feeling of sadness and starts to feel like maybe she had made a mistake.  She's starting to wonder if she was too hard on Jon,  Maybe she should save her judgement and her heart until they found out for sure what really went on.  Is this Mandy for real.  Did she really have a relationship with Jon?  Did Jon father her unborn baby?  What was she going to do?  Here she is pregnant with his baby.  They are supposed to be hitting the road in a few days and she needs to get her video to the producer's so they can put it on tape and release it.  They really didn't have the time for this kind of drama in their life.  They are still newlyweds, with a great start under their belts - until now.

She lays the pad and pen on the bed next to her and climbs out of bed.  With her nerves pretty raw, she heads into the bathroom and washes her face before combing her hair.  A little cherry red lipstick and a quick braid and she's out the door.

Once she's in her car, she starts the ignition and slowly backs out of the driveway.  Pulling away from her house, she can't decide where she want's to go first.  She wants to go see Richie, but she knows that she needs to talk to Jon.  She needs to talk to him about earlier.  She needs to tell him that she's pregnant, and she's not sure how he'll take the news.  She doesn't want to tell him under the current circumstance that they are in, having the news and the excitement shadowed by the scandal that surfaced earlier.  Even though she wanted to tell him once she was out of the danger zone, she sees no better opportunity or reason than to tell him now.  But first she needs to apologize for being an ass and not having faith in him, faith in them.

At the corner she hesitates.  Does she go left and go see Richie, or does she turn left and take the chance of going to Jon's parents and talking to Jon.  She needs to talk to both of them.  She misses her best friend, and even though it's only been a few hours, she misses her husband.  She turns right.  That's the direction that her heart told her to go, and once she completed the turn, her mind was in agreement.

As she pulled up in front of the Bongiovi home, she could see a figure sitting on the front porch smoking a cigarette.  Putting the car in park, she squints to see if she can make out who the lone figure is in the middle if the night, smoking a cigarette alone.  She gets out and approaches the figure, to hear that it was Jon before she could see that it was him.  "What are you doing here?  You wanted to be alone." he says to her, with an attitude.

"Can we talk?" Monica mouses up to him, with her tail between her legs.  "I have somethings to tell you."

"i'm not talking about that Mandy chick or any of the bullshit that she's slewing about me, about us."

"That's fine. How about you just listen?" she says, as she squeezes in next to him on the front porch.  "What are you doing out here in the middle of the night?"

"Couldn't sleep." he says to her with a degree of cold in his voice.  "What do you have to say?

"I'm sorry."

"For?" he kind of snaps at her, glancing at her over his shoulder.  "What are you sorry for?"

"You're supposed to be listening." she reminds him.

"Go ahead."

Monica takes a deep breath and takes her husbands hand, "I'm sorry about not believing you in regards to Mandy."  Jon turns in her direction, giving her his full attention.  "I'm sorry that I immediately went to the idea that you cheated on me, but you have to admit - she knows way too much for just being my nurse."

"Monica....." he leans into her.

"Let me talk."  she interrupts him, "I made a mistake by going where I went.  But you have to understand that it all sounds way yo convenient and on one hand, it makes complete sense."

"How so?" he locks his gaze with hers, "How can any of the shit that came out of her mouth make sense?"

"You were alone and hurting to."

"So that means that I would cheat on you and get another girl pregnant?"

"You're not listening to me, Jon."

"I'm sorry.  Go ahead."  he rests his head on her shoulder.

With a quick kiss on the top of his head, she continues with, "What makes sense is that you could have needed someone, when your life was at it's worst.  It makes sense that you might have sought comfort when I wasn't able to give it to you."

"None of that makes sense."

"Yes it does, from a human stand point."

"What on earth are you talking about?" he is getting frustrated with her and her ability to circle a subject and keep the point moot.

"Listen, as people when we are faced with something as emotional and as raw as what you went through, it's only natural to seek comfort.  To seek a place or people that help you feel safe."

"And you think that I sought Mandy and found comfort in her?"

"I believe that that is possible.  Not likely and not you, but possible."

"If you think that I have the capacity to do that, then why are we still married?  If you believe that I would cheat on you at the first sign of trouble, than we need to get out of this marriage."

"Jon...." she says, squeezing his hand tight, "That's not what I mean."

"Then what do you mean?" 

"What I mean is, that if it happened I think I would understand."

"There is nothing to understand, Monica.  It didn't happen!!"

"You yourself said that you have some memory loss."

"I think cheating on my new wife would be an event that I would remember."

"But you were on alot of drugs and in a severe crisis, I think that it would be natural to seek some comfort, someone to help you get through it all."

"I had you and that was all that I needed."

"There is no way that you could have come out the other side of that without any help.  Whether it be just someone to talk to."  Jon can't sit still any longer, he can't wrap his head around her way of thinking.  As he stands to walk away, Monica grabs his arm, "Don't walk away, Jon.  I still have a few things to say."

Exhausted and feeling more tired than he has in a long time, he inhales deeply and slowly, "Monica, if you have something to say that doesn't involve Mandy and all of her bullshit, then say it.  If not, go home and go to bed.  I need to get some sleep."

"Are you really shutting me out like this Jon?"

"I'm done with this nonsense.  We have bigger and better things to think about, to worry about, than this crazy bitch and her lies."

"Do we?"

"YES!!"

"You're not worried about being the father to her baby?"

"Goddamn it Monica, you're not listening to me!  I didn't have sex with her.  There is no way that I can be the father to her baby.  If she's even pregnant."

Monica can see that Jon is about ready to explode.  It's not often that he does that, but when he does, she knows that it could get ugly.  She has seen him go off on the guys in the band.  She has witnessed him demeaning roadies to the point that they want to walk off the job. She knows that when the anger is directed at her, she needs to be ready because the words fly faster than light and he says nothing that he doesn't mean.  She sees that it's about to get directed at her.  He starts with his Italian animation, arms flailing and his facial expressions are priceless.  "Why are you getting so upset if there is no element of truth to it?" she quietly asks, "Why are you so pissed if there is no chance of being that baby's father?"

"Alright, that's enough!"  he stands before her, leaning over in her face, "I didn't sleep with her, I didn't get her pregnant and I'm not standing her listening to anymore of your crazy talk."  he turns away from her and counts to 3, "And if I had to venture a guess Monica, it seems like you're wanting all of this to be true.  Why can't you leave it alone?"

"Because she just told the world that you could be the dad."

"AND I'M TELLING YOU THAT I'M NOT!" his hands go through his hair, stopping along his neck.  He gently squeezes the tension in his neck, calmly and quietly he continues with, "I never cheated on you."  With one last look at her, "I'm going to bed.  Go home."