Chapter 85 - Say Goodbye To Yesterday

                                              

Monica can hear Jon come in the back door carrying his bag and his guitar.  She looks at the time and it surprised that he was home so early, so she gets up to greet him. 

She had fallen asleep and for the most part her headache was gone and she was feeling much better.  When she entered the kitchen, she could see that Jon had a long night and she hopes that she isn't the reason why.

Walking up to him, she smiles, kisses his lips and says, "I'm glad you're home.  I missed you."

His arms go around her and he pulls her close and squeezes her tight, "I missed you too.  I kept looking for you, hoping that you would show up."

"I felt terrible when you left, there is no way I could have made it, I'm sorry."

"Are you feeling better?"  His lips rest on her forehead, "Is your headache gone?"

She glances up at him, "I feel much better.  How was the show?"

"Long.  I never thought it would end."

"How are the guys?"

"Everyone is good.  They all missed you."  Beth smiles at that.

"Are you hungry?"

"I could eat." he answers, as he releases the tight hold that he has on her.  "What did you have in mind?"

Monica thinks for a minute, "I could make you grilled cheese, I could order out - what ever you want."  She turns and directs her attention to the pots and pans, knowing what he was going to say. 

"Grilled cheese sounds great.  Do you want some help?" he creeps up behind her and kisses her neck.  "I could butter the bread?"

She turns around and smiles, "I got this.  Why don't you take a shower and when it's done, it should be ready?"

"Are you sure, I can help?" he pleads with her, wanting to help her in anyway that he can.  He hates that she's on her feet, but he knows that she's going to be okay. 

"No, go shower Jon."  He cracks her on the ass and trots off to take his shower, grabbing his duffle on the way.

Monica makes Jon a grilled cheese sandwich and adds some chips to his plate, she sets it on the table with a can of Bud.  When he reappears, he's wrapped in a towel and she likes the sight of that.  "Is it ready?" he asks.

She points to the table and says, "Yeah, sit.  Eat."  She putters and cleans up the kitchen as he eats, they talk.  "How was the show, were the fans feeling it?"

"Oh yeah, the crowd was amazing.  I think tonight I only gave 90%"

"Why?"

"Because you weren't there, babe." he admits, and in admitting that, he admits that he needs her more than he ever let on.  "I missed seeing you in the crowd."

She laughs at that, "There will be other shows, Jon."

"I know, but this was home turf, I kind of wanted you there.  Playing at home is extremely stressful and seeing you in the crowd would have helped with that."

She stops what she's doing and looks back at him, "Why didn't you tell me that?  I would have gone if I knew it was that important to you."  She tosses the dish towel on the counter and takes a seat next to him, resting her head on her hands.

Jon reaches over and runs a finger down the side of her face, "It's not that it was that important, it's like I said, it was home turf and we haven't played here in a while, but you're right - there will be other shows."

She takes his can of cold Bud and takes a gulp , "I'm sorry.  Next time, I'll be there.  I promise."

"I know you will."

"Do you want another sandwich?" she asks him, ready to make one if he wanted another, but he didn't.  He just shakes his head no, and takes his beer from her hand.  As he takes a drink, and let's the Bud wash away the day he sees a look on her face that he hasn't seen before.  "Are you okay?" he asks, reaching over rubbing her leg.  "You look like you have something on your mind."

Monica looks at him, surprised that he could tell.  She was trying  hard to hide it, but apparently she wasn't hiding it well enough.  "I'm okay, why do you ask?"

"You look distant."

"Tired, I guess." she replies, not really wanting to get into an in depth conversation.  She knows that he's exhausted and needs to just relax.  "Do you want some ice cream?  There is some strawberry syrup left."

Jon stands up taking care of his dishes, "No, no ice cream for me."  He rubs his belly, "It's too hard to work it off." He laughs. 

He turns around and leans against the counter, looking her up and down.  "What do you want to do?  It's kind of early, do you want to hit the shore and have a few drinks?"

She shakes her head no, "Aren't you tired?"

"A little, but if you want to go out, I want to take you out.  You haven't done anything since the accident."

"Neither have you, other than work, what would you like to do?" she turns it around on him, laughing.

"Let's go down to the Pony and have a few drinks."

Monica looks at the time and says, "By time we get there it will be last call."

"Let's go some place close then." he replies.

"If you want to go, we can go." She stands up from the table and as she tries to leave the kitchen, he grabs her hand.

"Hey." he whispers

"What?" she whispers back.  Leaning into him, she kisses him.

He wraps his arms around her and whispers, "If you feel like going out to do something, I want to take you.  What do you want to do?"

She turns around, placing her back to his chest and with his hands in hers, she wraps his arms around her body.  "I don't really feel like doing anything.  Is that bad?"

He takes a step, guiding her into their bedroom, "Sit."  He tells her, pointing to the edge of the bed.  She does as she's told and sits, looking up at the man that stands before her, still wrapped in his towel.

"I'm sitting." she states.  Looking at him with a quizzical look on her face. 

He sits next to her, whipping his long locks back off of his face.  He takes her hand and asks, "Please tell me what's going on."

"There isn't anything going on babe."

"Monica, I can see it."

"See what?" she sort of snaps, "What do you think you see?"

He exhales hard and starts with, "I can see it in your face and in your body language.  What's going on?"

Monica kisses his hand and starts to tell him, "I'm sorry, I've just been elsewhere trying to put the pieces of the accident together."

"What pieces?" he wants to help her fill in the blanks, if he can.  "I can help with that, all you had to do was talk to me about it."

"I know, I was just trying to form my own memories without any outside influence."

"What are you looking for?"

He can see that she's about ready to cry.  They have been home not very long and the conversation that they needed to have was one that they both tired to avoid, one that they wanted to prolong if they could.  But they both can see that now is the time.

"I went to Las Vegas pregnant and in love - to get married.  I wake up married and not pregnant with a hole in my head.  How did we lose the baby?  That makes no sense to me, Jon."

His arm goes around her and she feels a tad better, until he starts to talk, "Your surgery ran into complications and as a result of that, you lost the baby." 

"You said I was spotting when I went into surgery, did that not concern the doctor?"

He buries his lips in her hair and says, "They were concerned about it, but when the swelling in your brain wouldn't go down, they needed to do what they could for you.  Babe, it was a matter of life and death."

"The baby had to die?"

"Honey, the accident caused it.  Your surgery just exacerbated the problem."

"How?"

"They needed to give you a blood thinner to avoid clotting and that was how it happened.  They couldn't control your spotting when they were focused on your head."

She melts into him and starts to really cry, the diaphragm spasm cry that breaks his heart.  "Did they tell you what it was?  Was it a boy or a girl?"

The doctor told Jon the baby's sex and that it had all of it's fingers and tows, in essence it was a perfectly formed fetus that was lost due to the accident.