Chapter 86 - When I Look Into Your Eyes

He has dreaded this conversation and knew that one day it would come.  Since they have been home, the miscarriage isn't anything that they have talked about.  Jon was beginning to think that maybe she buried the memory or just wasn't ready to talk about it, and he wasn't  pushing the issue.

So when he heard the words that he heard, he knows that he has to answer her honestly and be prepared for whatever questions that she throws at him. 

Her head is on his chest and he has her wrapped in both arms, his lips are buried in her hair and with a little squeeze, he tells her, "There isn't anything that they could do, you know that right.  It was either you or the baby and they needed to save you."  He feels a slight nodding of her head, she informs him that she knows it was kind of a do or die situation, even if she didn't like it.  "The doctor that did your surgery explained everything to me after it was all said and done."

"Explained what?" she whimpers, "What happened?"

His lips are still buried in her hair and he mumbles, "He explained that before they took you in for surgery, they knew that you were spotting but the baby's heartbeat was good.  Strong and normal.  But once you went in to surgery, your bleed was bigger than they though and you lost a lot of blood.  So much that they had to give you blood."

"They gave me someone else's blood?" she asks, "How did I lose so much?"

"When you went under and before they started your surgery, they gave you blood thinners to avoid any clotting issues, that caused you to lose so much blood.  When they opened up your head, the bleed was worse than they thought."

"And....."

"They weren't prepared for what happened.  The test showed a small bleed and a small pool of blood.  When they drilled the first hole, they realized that they needed to drill bigger so they could stop the bleed."

Monica sits up a little and looks up at Jon, "My mom says I died on the table, is that true?"

He nods his head yes, reaching up and wiping tears from her cheeks.  "They had to shock you."

Monica goes confused for a moment and when she snaps out of it, she asks him, "I lost my baby due to a surgery mix up?"

"What do you mean?"

She sits up a little more, "Because they seen the blood in my brain they gave me a blood thinner and they knew that I was spotting?" Jon can hear a little bubble of anger in her voice.  "Blood thinner that caused me to bleed enough to where I needed to be transfused?"

"That's the way it was explained to me."

"I miscarried right there on the table?" she questions him, a little sick to her stomach.  "As I was being operated on?"

He moves in close to her, kisses her lips and tells her, "They had to do what was best for you, babe.  You know that."

She shakes her head, "We go to Vegas and get married and I come home without a baby and a hole in my head.  Did they ever find who hit us?"

He shakes his head no, "Not that I've heard, not yet anyway.  But they are working on it."

Monica leans over and rests her head on Jon's lap, where she lays quiet for a while.  He leaves her alone and let's her process the little bit of info that he just gave her.  He's running his fingers through her hair, looking at her in the mirror that is across from them in the bedroom.  He can see her, but she can't see him.  She's too low. 

After the long silence he can hear her take a deep breath, "What did they do with the baby?"

His heart hit the floor and he suddenly felt sick.  A question that he didn't have an answer for, an important question that he didn't see coming.  But he answers it honestly, "I'm not sure.  I don't think they told me."

"They probably threw it out like it was some medical waste." she says quite flippant and cold.

"We can find out, if you want." he tries to assure her and let her know that he'll do whatever she needs him to.  "I can call tomorrow."

Another long pause, that Jon doesn't interrupt, is broken when Monica asks him, "Did you see the baby?"

"No."

"You didn't?" she seems surprised.  "How come?"

"When the doctor came out and told us what happened, he didn't even give me the opportunity.  Just said that he was sorry, but we lost the baby."

"What did you do when he told you that?" Monica asks Jon.

Jon takes a deep breath and wiggles a little, trying to get comfortable and he asks her, "Before or after our moms had heart attacks."

"Was it that bad?"

"Your mother fell apart, and mine was right behind her.  My first thought after that was I wanted to get to you."

"Did you get to be with me?"

He smiles and nods his head, "I was at your side within seconds and stayed with you for almost the entire time."

"The whole time?" she asks again, a little surprised, but she would have expected nothing less. 

"I was with you when I didn't run out and smoke or take a shower, but when I left - I made sure that a nurse sat with you, I didn't want you to wake up alone."

She goes quiet again, Jon can see that she's running all of this through her mind and he can tell that she is upset that she doesn't remember most of it.  "Jon, did you ask to see the baby?"

"I couldn't."

"Why?"

"Because telling you about it would be hard enough, and then having that image in my mind forever really didn't set right with me."

She cocks an eye, "What do you mean?"

"The doctor sais that he was fully developed with all of finger and toes, he was a healthy baby but he didn't survive your surgery.  I couldn't see him, even if the doctor has suggested it."

She covers her mouth with her fingers and really starts to cry.  She just found out that they were pregnant with a baby boy and they lost him.  "He?  We were pregnant with a boy?" she gasps for air, having just crossed that line into that heartbreaking cry.  "A boy?"

Jon moved in and grabbed her up and just let her cry.  He knows that there isn't anything he could say in this moment to make her feel any better or to lessen her pain.  He strokes her hair and just is there for her.  Feeling her pain, he can't help but get emotional himself.  He starts to tear up, but he knows that he needs to be the rock for her right now. 

"Babe, I want you to ask questions if you have them, I want you to cry if you feel like crying, if you feel like screaming - scream.  I had three weeks to deal with this and you haven't really had anytime.  When you were asleep, I would talk to you about it and share my feelings.  Hell, I can't count the number of times I cried with you, praying I wouldn't lose you too."

"How did you do it?" she asks, never thinking about what he may have gone through. 

He sits her up because he has to stand up.  "I had my ma for the first week and then it was just me and you.  Talking to you and holding your hand helped in so many ways.  It was nice to talk to you and pretend that you were listening."

"I'm sorry for your loss too Jon."