Chapter 107 - No One Left To Take The Blame

"The accident some how your fault?  Where did that even come from?" he barks back at her and she can see that he's angry.  "What the fuck are you talking about?"

"I see the way that you have been, I've feel the way that you touch me."

"Monica........."

Throwing her hands up in the air, she snaps, "What, Jon?  Don't do this now?!?!"

"Let's talk about this later." 

"There isn't anything to talk about, really.  The pictures invoked feelings in you that aren't good, I'll take them out.  I'm sorry."  She stands there and crosses her arms, "You didn't really need to blow up at me."  She turns her head and looks out at their family viewing her handy work.

"Sometimes I don't get you." he loudly exhales, "Sometimes I don't get you at all."

"What does that mean?" she blurts, "You don't get me?  What don't you get?"

Jon sits down in his chair, the one he calls his throne when he's in her studio, in her creative space.  "They made you feel something when you got them, but not enough for you to want to keep them private?"

"They, and that day, are a very big part of you, your band, your career and what your fans want to see.  That is THE day...." she takes a few steps and looks out the window over looking a dark and dirty alley way, "The day that the world had a broken heart.  The day that Jon Bon Jovi got married."

"So."

She turns to him, "Your fans may hate that, but they also have the need to know your every detail, that's why they are in there Jon."

He takes a long look at her before he opens his mouth again.  He can feel that he's feeling things that he's pushed down for a very long time, he knows that they are different people and he knows that they feel different, but he can't keep his mouth shut, "How can you act like that day is just any other day?"

Her arms fall at her side and she shoots him a look, "Really, Jon?"

Nodding his head, "Yeah, really Monica."

"BECAUSE I DON'T REMEMBER IT!" she reminds him, walking to the studio door, kicking it closed with her foot.  "Why can't you wrap your head around that?" she runs both hands through her hair, pulling it into a pony tail and twisting it tight, "I remember getting to Las Vegas and then waking up in the hospital, days and days later."

"I know."

"Why is that such a problem for you?"

"Because you lost the same baby that I did, because of that accident."

"They have nothing to do with each other, in my mind.  Maybe that's what you can't see."

"Meaning?"

"The day I married you and the day that we were hit by the car and not the same day that I lost a baby.  They are two totally different days for me, babe."  She can see the moment that he looked at it from her point of view.  She walks over to him and he pulls her down into his lap, "The day that we got married is blank.  I'm sorry."

His arms go around her and he squeezes her tight, resting his head on her shoulder, he admits, "I guess I never looked at it like that.  In my mind, it all happened on the same day - because that's how it happened."

"I understand that, but you can't be mad at me if I don't remember like you do, and if things don't bother me like they do you."  She leans in, laying her head on his head.  "My grief comes from a different time, but it doesn't hurt any less."

"It just seems like you don't and haven't grieved at all." he mumbles to her, "Sometimes it's like to you it never happened."

Monica is stunned by that declaration and can feel her heart race a little, "How can you even say that?"

"When I want to talk about her, you never do." he pokes at her, "I have tried to talk to you and you always change the subject."  He reaches up and caresses the side of her face, directing her to look at him, "I hold you at night and cry for the both of you.  I feel such a loss and my heart breaks for you."

"I cry too Jon."

"When?" he snaps, "I think I've seen you cry about her maybe twice."

"What do you expect me to do, walk around like a sobbing mess?  What good comes from that?"

"Maybe you would feel better." he tries to rationalize his feelings to her in some way, but he quickly sees that the situation is only being made worse.

"Jon, I feel fine.  Is there a certain amount of time that I should have physically grieved in front of you?  I lost a baby.  It breaks my heart and consumes me some days.  There are days that I want the asshole that hit us to be found just so I can fucking kill him.  But then there are days that I'm at peace because I believe that it was God's will."

"God's will?"

"Yeah, he took her to protect her from something later in life that he knew she wouldn't be able to handle.  As a Catholic, I believe that."

"That God put you in front of that car."

"That God put us both in front of that car."

The silence that comes between them was almost to the point of eerie when Monica speaks, "I feel terrible that we lost our baby Jon, and I know that you do too.  I remember in Cancun the talk that we had and a lot of what you said sticks with me."

"Like?" he questions.  "What parts?"

"Like that you want a big family and that you want to try again soon."

"It's true."

"I know, and nothing has changed, I'm still not doing anything to prevent a pregnancy, but I'm not praying for one either.  Babe, we are so busy and have a very busy road ahead of us.  Right now, all we need is each other and those crazy people out there.  We really have it all."

"I want kids." he tells her, as a matter of fact and on the record.