Chapter 101 - What's Under That Mask?

Monica reaches over and takes his hand, "What do you mean?"  She can see the sadness on Jon's face.  It had been there for a while, but she thought that maybe it was the weather, that was putting a damper on their vacation. 



 "Talk to me babe."  She pulls him close, his arm goes around her shoulder and he pulls her closer.  

"I don't know what's going on.  Lately I have thought about the accident and the baby and I get pissed."  He lips land on her head, "And then I get sad."

"What's making you think about it?" she looks up at him, running a few instances through her own mind that may make him think about it, because it has her.  "You need to let me in."

He sighs and squeezes her tight, "We see kids everywhere we go.  Big kids, little kids and I can't help but think about the baby.  I think about the baby, then I think about losing the baby and that is always followed with the thought of losing you."

"You didn't lose me, though.  Hopefully that thought brings you back to happy thoughts?"

"It does."  he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a pack of Marlboro's, tapping one out of the pack, he puts it in his mouth and lights it.  "That time that you were in the hospital was the worst time of my life, ever!"

"Mine too."

"We never really talked about it.  It seems like we just got back to Jersey and went on with life."  

"What else were we supposed to do?  Live in the memory?" she asks him, sliding her hand up the small of his back, resting it on his shoulder.  "I think we managed quite well, considering."

"Considering what?" he looks at her out of the corner of his eye.

She makes eye contact, "Considering all that we have been through - good and bad."

"It doesn't make it hurt any less." he releases his hold from her and takes a step away, "I would give all of this up if I could go back and push you out of the way.  I'd give it all away to just be 3 seconds quicker."

"Hey..........." she tries to stop him.

"I should have been quicker, Monica.  I should have gotten you and our baby out of the way."

"Jon!"

"How bad do you hate me because of it?  When you look at me are you constantly reminded of what I was not able to do for you?  Does it hurt you knowing that I let you down?"

"JON, STOP!"

"Come on Monica, don't tell me that you haven't had those thoughts?  I think them, you have too as well."

She walks into him, reaches up and takes his chin in her hand, "Baby, I don't blame you at all.  You were hit by the same car that I was, so how could you have pushed me out of the way?"

"I did push you, just not fast enough." he admits to her, "I pushed you, Mon, and you were still hit and we still lost our baby."  He stands before her, resting his head on hers.  Forehead to forehead, "We still lost it all."

"We lost a baby, Jon.  We didn't lose it all."  her arms slide around his waste, "It was God's will."

"I believe that as much as you do, but it doesn't change the way I feel."

"Me either." 

As they stand on the beach, during the tropical storm that is throwing some heavy wind their way, along with torrential down pour, Jon continues, "We had it all."

"We still do."  she replies, with rain running down her face.  "Jon, we have each other, that is all that we need."

"When you laid in the hospital in the coma, baby, I prayed all day and everyday that you would come back to me.  Then on the other hand, I wanted you to stay asleep so you didn't have to know that we lost the baby, is that silly?" he doesn't lift his head, they are still forehead to forehead, "I didn't want you to feel any of the pain from that accident at all."

"I understand that."

"I laid in the road just a few feet from you and I couldn't help you.  Do you have any idea what that feels like?  To be so close and useless."

"Stop." she pinches his sides, "Come on, where is all of this coming from?"  

He takes a deep breath and admits, "I feel like such a failure when it comes to you.  I feel like I am always letting you down and like I never come through for you."

Monica is now getting a little anxious and even a little scared.  She has never seen him act this way or talk this serious, "Please tell me what's going on with you!?!  You are a wonderful husband, a great man and my best friend - what is up?  You're scaring me."

He takes a step back, both of them are soaked to the bone.  His long frosted hair is clinging to his face and Monica can see his chest hair through his white shirt, "Sometimes the guy with the best life can have a heavy heart."

"I agree, but this is pretty sudden."  she starts to follow him as he walks toward their suite.  "Please let me in, Jon."

"There really isn't anything to let you in on, it's just an emotional time for me right now."

"Why?"  she firmly asks, "Why all of the sudden?"

He stops, turns around and looks her right in the eyes, "Do you think we will ever have what my parents have?"

"No.  I don't want what they have.  I want what we want." Monica quickly replies, "Your mom and dad are very happy and they have a loving family.  We too will have that when the time is right, Jon.  The baby wasn't in god's plan."

"Monica, we travel the world and I sing in a band.  How are we ever going to have all of that?"

She takes both of his hands, kissing each one, she looks up at him, "We will have the life we want, regardless of what we're doing.  That is where we are more fortunate than your parents.  We can choose when we work, we can choose where we travel - we can do it all.  They were tied to job, mortgage and all of the boring stuff that non rock stars have.  WE Jon, WE have the life that people only dream of."

"People dream of being parents.  We are not parents."

"YET!" she's getting a little irritated with him at this point, "We will have a family.  A big family.  Lots of children."

"When?"

"When the stars line up and it's time, until then we just need to make the most out of what we have, with who we have and stop dwelling in the past."  She leads him into the suite, letting go of his hand to get them towels to dry off, "I think we have too much living to do before we have kids, don't you?"

"I loved the idea of being a father, being a dad." he admits, as he grabs the towel that she tossed at him, "I'll be a good dad."

"You're going to be a great father."

"You amaze me, Monica."  He tells her, walking into her and kissing her lips, ""Everyday I fall even more in love with you and I didn't think that was possible."

"I can say the same about you."  She reaches up and pushes some hair off of his face.  Gently caressing his cheek, "Like this trip for the family and the crew, you did this without anyone knowing."

"And look how well that turned out."

"We still have several days, this storm will pass and we will get some awesome days before we head overseas."  she takes a hand and leads him into the bathroom, slowly raising his shirt up over his head, "We need to get out of these wet close before we catch a cold."

Jon laughs but lets her take his clothes off, feeling the need to go back to the original conversation.  "When do you want to try to start a family?"

Monica drops his clothes on the floor at her feet, and with her killer smile, she admits, "We aren't doing anything to prevent getting pregnant."

"You didn't go back on birth control?" he smiles, with question.

She shakes her head no.  "After the accident, when I went for my last check up, the doc asked me if I wanted contraception and I told her no.  Are you mad?"  She holds her breath, just long enough for him to knock it out of her, with just a touch.  His finger traces the contour of her face, and she can see that he is fine with the decision that she made.

"No babe, how can I be mad?"

"Well, we didn't discuss it.  I just made the decision on my own."

"It's your body."

"But it's our life." she states, "I should have talked to you and I know that.  I just didn't see any use in putting that stuff in my body anymore."

He grabs her, holding her tight, he rests his chin on the top of her head, "Any decision you make is fine with me.  But I don't want to be old and grey before we start a family."

Monica laughs, "You with gray hair - never happen.  Although, I bet you would look amazing!"