Chapter 151 - That Blonde Gave Me Nightmares

"I kinda feel like I wanna talk about that song Jon."  Monica says to her husband, looking over at him.  


She watches the tension in his fingers, gripping the steering wheel.  They enjoyed the afternoon of listening to the album and then puttering around in her studio.  

As he watches her develop her film, he can't help but notice the talent that she does have, and the shower pictures that she told him about.  He did his best to not let it bother him, he had to believe that it was as innocent and as remote as she said it was.  He loves her and he has to trust her, after all, she can't trust him.

"What one?" he asks, not sure what song she's referring to.  The one they wrote, or the one that he wrote for her.  "Your song?"

"No the wind song.  Tell me about that one." she turns in her seat, sitting Indian style, back against the door.  "That was pretty deep and it sounded like you were ready to call it quits."

"I thought you did." he admits.  "I wrote that when we weren't talking, better yet, when you wouldn't talk to me."

"Jon, I couldn't talk to you."

His eyes look through her as he's lost in his thought, he knows what she means and in his mind, he thinks she should somewhat understand where the lyrics to the song came from.  "I know it was too hard for you to deal with me and what I had done, I know hearing my voice probably pissed you off even more, but the words to that song came from what I was feeling.  I was feeling like I had let you down, I wasn't the man that I told you I would be.  I pledged to you that day in Vegas that I would never hurt you and look what I'd done.  Those words were to you, what I was feeling then."

She places her hand on his and gently rubs it, letting him know that she's listening and she wants to hear what he has to say, "How do you feel now?"

"About the song?" he asks.  

"About all of it.  Do you still feel like you let me down?"

"Hell yes."  

"Do you feel that you are not the man that I married?"

He stops to think about that one.  And then he answers her, honestly, "I am still the man that you married.  Don't you think?"

She smiles at him and answers her from her heart, "You are the man that I married.  The man that has stood by me when I thought my world would end.  You were there for the miscarriage, when I couldn't be.  You sat at my side and protected me while I was in the coma, you have supported me whatever decisions I made regarding my career and my passions, you allowed me into your life like I know you've never let another and Jon, I know you love me with every ounce of your being and I just need time to forgive you.  BUT," she pauses a moment, swallowing hard to not let the tears out, "but you really hurt me."

"I know babe."  he squeezes her hand.

Jon sees an empty parking lot, pulls in and slams the car into park.  He turns in his seat and looks to her, deep into her eyes, "If there was anything I could do to take that back, Mon, I would without hesitation.  But I can't, and before we get too far into this, you need to decide what we are, where we are in this marriage.  Are you ever going to be able to forgive me and trust me on the road without you?  Or are we just going through the motions until we get to a point and then you decide you want a divorce?"

She gives him a little laugh, "Jon, I am not ready for a divorce or even a separation that isn't work related.  I know in time, I'll learn to trust you again, if you can give me the space that I need."

"Like to go to California and make a movie."

"Yes, just like that."

"You really want to do that, don't you?" his heart falls a little bit, but he can see that she is passionate about it.  

"It's my calling!" she states.

He pauses for a minute, "What about the Bon Jovi project and the Rick one you just did, when do those get done?"

"Bon Jovi is done, full release when the album hits the shelves.  Rick's, well, there really isn't a time frame.  I have tons of footage to look at, slice and dice and then splice.  I can take that to California when I go and work on it there."

His head falls, hanging low, he asks the dreaded question, "When are you leaving?"

"After you drop the album.  Do you guys have a date?"

He nods, looking at her out of the corner of his eye, "We're thinking fall, giving it time to climb the charts and be a best seller before Christmas."

That makes her happy, "That's great.  I would love for it to be a best seller and from what I hear, it has the potential.  With the song we wrote and that Wind song one, platinum all the way."

"There's alot of us, me and you," he motions between them with his hand, "in that album and honestly, I'm kind of afraid to release it."  She is seeing her husband vulnerable for the first time, in what felt like forever, to her.

"What do you mean?  The album is going to be a huge success, what's scary about that?"

He looks at her, his eyes following the outline of her lips, up the bridge of her very thin nose and stops at her eyes.  "ALot of my inspiration for the album came from what I did to you.  What I did to us."

"I could hear that, but why are you afraid to release it?"

"I don't know.  I just feel like maybe it's too much?  I mean, I drew inspiration in hopes that we would work everything out, then there were times that I pulled from the pain that I caused you and the hell I put us in."

"Did it help?"  she leans over and kisses his cheek, "Jon, the album is amazing.  I can still hear that Born To Be My Baby song in my head, that's going to be huge!"  she smiles, "the song about living in sin, again, another huge one."

"I don't care about it's success, Monica.  I'm worried that maybe I'll be seen as a pussy or maybe even an asshole."

"By who?" she kind of giggles, "Anyone who knows you knows that you're an asshole."

"You know what I mean."   he's a little turned off by her comment.  Facing front, he puts the car in drive and continues their route home.  "I don't want to piss you because I clearly have no right too, but I think that album would have played out differently, had I had you to talk to."

"You forfeited that right when you cheated on me, Jon." she quickly snaps back, putting herself right in the car seat.  She faces forward too and continues, "I had no one to talk to either, other than Rick and I don't think he was innocent in wanting to be the ear for me."

"Meaning?" he quickly looks at her.

Her eyes meet his and she responds, "I don't think he was in OUR corner."

"What does that even mean?"

She takes a deep breath, "His advice seemed more geared for me filing for divorce."

Jon quickly looks at her, "Are you serious?"  He's miffed by what he's just heard.  "You tell me that and then want me to let you go to California to do a movie with him?"  His anger growing with every breath that he takes.

Monica can see he's upset with what she's just divulged, but she couldn't hold her tongue any longer.  "Let me?" she mutters, "Let me?  You are not my father Jon."  Her voice getting louder, "I start to open up to you and you have to turn it around and make it about you, why do you always do that?"

He looks at her with a confused look on his face.  He punches the accelerator as they enter the tunnel, "Do what?"  He shifts his weight in the seat, "How did I make this about me?"

"I tell you what I thought about Rick and his advice and you immediately went to what you would allow me to do.  You are not in control of me and you are not in control of my career - and even more so, you are not in control of how I deal with your infidelity."

"Monica..."

Her hand goes up, "Don't Monica me Jon.  I had to deal with your affair, miles and miles away from home, from you, from my best friend.  You DO NOT get to dictate how I deal with it, and who I confide in."

"TELL ME HOW YOU FEEL!" he snaps at her, weaving in and out of traffic.  

Traffic through the tunnel wasn't too bad.  It was late enough in the evening, commuters all having made their way home.  Into one lane, "Jon, you're the one that hurt me, you're the one that broke my trust and my heart.  How can I possibly confide in you?"

"Is there anyone better to talk to than me?  I know what I've done and how badly I hurt you.  Maybe if you would have talked to me, we could be way passed where we are now?"

"Had I talked to you, I think we'd be 10 steps back and I wouldn't be in this car with you right now." she finally starts to open up, raising his stress level just a little bit.  "you killed me.  What you did made me question myself as a wife, as your best friend.  It made me wonder where we are as man and wife, it made me question my sanity and through it all, all I wanted was to fall asleep in your arms."

"I want that too, babe."

"But you couldn't wait for it, could you?  You had to fall into the arms of another woman, a questionable woman at that.  She's trash Jon.  She is the epitome of white trash, rode hard put away wet.  You had to have that?!?!"

"I was drunk!"

"So I can get drunk and have sex with a strange man?"

"Don't do this!"